Say no to shampoo, demand real poo! 

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure. 

"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."  -Groucho Max

OK, who's been messing with my anti-paranoia medicine?

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?  He worked it out with a pencil. 

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"24 Hour Dry Cleaners?  I don't have time for that."

"Doctor, I broke my arm in three places." "Stop going to those places."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -Steven Wright